Life With Autism

Should Autism Moms Work?

2009-06-17T16:18:00.001-07:00

Moms of children with autism carry a lot of guilt – what could they have done to prevent this and are they doing enough to recover their child? Add on top of this the work vs. stay-at-home question and you have a double whammy.

When my son was first diagnosed with autism, I was splitting my days working part-time at the office and part-time at home. I thought I had a pretty good balance as a mom. I had several therapists coming into our home to work with my son.

My husband and I worked fast and furious, long hours to pay for as much therapies as possible. We thought the more money we threw at him, the better he would get. And in some ways we were right. I would have not had any idea how to get my son to talk or to regulate his sensory issues. I had to sit and learn from the experts. In this regard, I have no regrets.

But, one day as I sat at my computer working, I listened to the therapist work on getting my son to call “Mom” when he needed something. I thought why am I zoned out over here instead of working on getting my son to engage with me? Shouldn't I be the one to teach him to call for me? Maybe if I quit work, I could be on the floor role with him. Would I have more energy to role play or talk back-and-forth with him? Maybe if I wasn't working at such a fast pace, I would have energy to roll the ball back and forth 100 times until he got the give-and-take of playing with others. I wondered if I was doing the right thing by not teaching him myself.

I read excerpts of the book Son-Rise about a mother who spent her days full-time engaging, playing and healing her son. (Here's more info if you haven't heard of his recovery story: http://www.autismtreatmentcenter.org/contents/about_son-rise/history_of_the_son-rise_program.php).

I felt a wave of guilt about not trying to be my son's own therapist or at least having much energy left over in my day to teach him to come out of his autism world. Would I regret not

So I took a big leap and quit my full-time job to do less demanding part-time work from home. I do not, however, regret the time I paid therapists to heal him. I had to learn from the experts, but I reached a point where I was ready to do a bigger chunk of the work. I knew I had to walk away from my career for a time to really work on my son's recovery. Now, I'm more available for him to have play dates where I can help guide him, I can joke around with him more or show him more things. I still do take him to some to expert therapists for Occupational and Speech Therapy, but it's a lot less now. So, I don't know the right balance for every mom who has a child with autism. But, I learned that when you are ready, you may just be your child's best therapist.

Note: This article was originally written for the newsletter of Autism Society of America, Collin County

Burn Out

2009-05-14T18:30:00.001-07:00

I've been on this autism mom journey for at least 5 years now. My son is 7, but we started his treatments at age 2. I can hardly remember life before autism -- now it consumes me. I'm on a constant quest to read the latest treatments, causes and cures. The push to "fix" him of autism always burns within me. It's not over yet, but I'm starting to wonder what it would be like to have another passion. Yet, I can't go there until my son is in a better spot.

I never thought I'd tire of this fight to find him the "right" cure or therapy. I spend at least one hour, sometimes up to three hours, a day reading about biomedical interventions that might work or the latest research on autism. I subscribe to four list-srvs of various autism parent groups. I get constant e-mails from other parents of what they are trying and whether or not it's working.

Most of the time, I find this journey to be so beautiful -- reaching and connecting with my son. What more could a mom want to achieve? But, lately, I just feel less within me to give to autism. I still have energy to be his mom, but I wish I could just be that -- his mom. Instead, I have to put on the hats of behaviorist, medical expert, insurance fighter, educational advocate, vitamin dispenser, speech therapist and autism researcher. At times, I wonder if he even gets enough nurturing from his mother. By the time I fill all the other roles required of an autism mom, I don't much feel like just being in the moment with him. I wonder what I used to be passionate about before my autism journey began, what it felt like to not have this on my mind 24/7. I sometimes miss my old self. I'm so grateful when people do want to know how my son is doing, yet miss how people used to talk to me about politics or sports or something light. Now its, "how is his speech?" "Are the b-12 shots working?" "Do you do the gluten-free diet?"

Don't get me wrong, this journey has had more gains than losses. I have learned to love more deeply, appreciate life more fully. I just never thought I'd reach burn out level -- and it makes me feel so guilty. How could I burn out of healing my own son?

One Mom's Surprises

2009-04-26T18:31:00.001-07:00

I posed the question to a group of moms about what their biggest surprises were in raising a child with autism. This one mom's response was very moving:

I'm surprised at how confused I feel at times...

I'm surprised at how unafraid I am...

I'm surprised by the fear that comes on unexpectedly, or how an article I read can dig a hole so deep within me that it wakes me in the middle of the night... that it hangs over me like a night in a smoke filled bar ...

I'm surprised by how strong I am...

I'm surprised at how much I adore what I thought once would be my worst nightmare --- that being my son with autism.

I'm surprised that I'm open to learning, and trying, as I'm a one way kind of girl... don't like change, find my sweet spot and keep going...I'm surprised that my son's "sweet spot" continues to change --- I'm surprised that fact surprises me...

I'm amazed at how faithful God is in my life --- and how much my family has grown because of my son ---

I'm surprised at the love I feel for my mother-in-law when I watch how much she loves our son with autism... I'm surprised at how much she respects me after 21 years, that it took this...this something awful and unexpected as well as beautiful to enable her to feel kindness and fondness for me, that after years of wondering why a girl like me with the wonderful friends I have, could have a mother-in-law that just didn't get her --- to this, and now she does...

I'm surprised that my first born NT daughter...the girl who hung the moon who got all of me, all of me, the one I nurtured for 3 1/2 yrs before autism, is so OK with her brother with autism, and with me spending time with him... she is growing every day in her depth of love for her brother and for those around her like him...

I'm surprised at how outspoken I am, and how much I fight for my son... I've always been a people pleaser, to a certain extent --- on the outside not at all but deep down, very much so...

I'm surprised at how much I love him, how much hope I have for him, how much he makes me laugh, how angry I can become with hours of screaming, and yet my love never grows weary, and if it does, I'm renewed again in the morning...

I'm amazed at how much less private I am --

At how much I need people --

At how much I need mom's that in other circumstances I may or may not choose as friends --- and that we can even enjoy one another even though we are so different, or so alike -- just because we have one thread in common...that being Autism

I'm surprised, I answered this question --- but then again...I'm less afraid, less private and lots of other "lesses" and mores...

More Autism Parenting Surprises

2009-04-21T18:41:00.000-07:00

There are so many good thoughts people have shared about what surprised them most about raising a child with autism. I've added more surprises other moms felt so others can benefit:

1. How some people out in public can be so very nice and helpful, while others can be so unsympathetic.
2. Although there is lots of hope, I had no idea how long ahead the road would be -- the cost, uncertainty, isolation, difficulty of keeping the kids safe and the confusion over treatments.
3. The isolation of not feeling a part of the community of typical parents.
4. The battles you will fight for your child at school, how you have to become a legal expert to get the services needed. You will sit in long, painful meetings with the school and often just have to agree to disagree. In some instances, you are blessed with principals and teachers who get it!
5. It'll amaze you how much you need to know about the brain and how much autism can be a brain-gut connection. You have to do all the research and work tirelessly to heal your child.
6. I was surprised by how "stressful" this would be on the entire family.
7. I was surprised at how pervasive this would be and thought, naively, that the speech delay would be essentially the only concern.
8. The stimming really shocked me -- the verbal stimming, the visual -- and that it would seem worse in some ways as they get older and it stands out more.
9. A pleasant surprise -- I did not know how connected parents of autism children would be -- that so many parents would be working together to share ideas, to help others and to beat this thing.
10. I was shocked at how hesitant to talk about autism my pediatrician was or how little they know about autism. Most parents end up telling their pediatricians they have autism.
11. I was surprised there was not a one-size-fits-all treatment plan that would cure autism. A parent has to dig through dozens of therapy options, from Floortime to ABA to biomedical treatments, and sort out how much and how fast you can spend on it.
12. I was amazed how slow experts were to point you in a particular direction. I once sat in a developmental pediatrician's office for over an hour while my child with autism flapped his arms at the lights and the crinkly paper on the table. Not once, did the doctor recommend occupational therapy or biomedical treatments or even a basic sensory integration treatment.
13. I was stunned at how even grandparents of ours did not know how to respond when my child was having a tantrum or meltdown or just overreacting to the tiniest of things. It can feel very isolating within a circle of extended family to be dealing with a child with autism.
14. I was in disbelief that there were so many good success stories out there in dealing with autism and yet it took me years to gather the information.

More Autism Mom Truths...

2009-04-21T06:47:00.000-07:00

Here's what other moms say surprised them about raising a child with autism:

1. That this wasn't just two years of therapy and then we would get on with our lives. That autism became our life.
2. Lack of support and knowledge from the medical community!
3. The parents are leading the way to healing the children.
4. The divisiveness (genetic vs environmental)among support groups and parents. Really a shame.
5. The extremely high costs and endless waiting lists (yes about $4000/month and a 12 month waiting list--so much for early intervention).
6. That I would have my life revolve around health this early in my life. I am like a 90 year old man sitting around talking about my ailments.
7. That I would learn to appreciate every little gain that my daughter makes, and that I will never take for granted the typical development of my two boys.
8. That I would gain a compassion for others that I didn't know I was capable of.
9. That I learned most of the information worth knowing from other parents.
10. Lack of answers and ambivalence to uncover them in the search for an autism cure are shockingly lacking.

Truth About Being an Autism Mom

2009-04-20T19:05:00.000-07:00

Lately moms who spill the truth about motherhood have been getting a lot of press. Oprah interviewed moms who spoke about how hard motherhood really can be and the lack of other moms giving you the full truth about it. There's also a Dooce.com, the "mother of all bloggers," who draws mothers in by admitting to the difficulties of early mornings, gross bodily fluids and more.

While I applaud these women for their honesty, I also want to provide a place where autism moms can be just as candid. There's dozens of things you don't dare tell a mom with a new autism diagnosis.

So, here's my top 10 surprises in raising a child with autism:

10. Autism children need very little sleep. I still have nightmares of all the times I've watched Disney's 'Jungle Book' from 2-5 a.m.
9. Most autism children don't like very many foods. I wish my child came with cooking instructions, all the tricks my mom raised me on didn't work.
8. The first thing I think about when I wake up is getting my son's vitamins and other supplements in him so I can enjoy my day.
7. I had no clue how often I'd be paying attention to my child's poop... is it regular, backed up, what color and smell? These are all things the doctors want to know.
6. While grooming any child is busy work, try cutting the nails or hair of a child with autism. (We are talking hours of screaming!) See our earlier post on nail cutting called 'Sunday, Bloody Sunday'.
5. I never could have imagined the price tag of a child with autism -- the cost of therapies, lab work, doctor visits, educational testing. And you never feel like you are spending fast enough to heal them.
4. I was shocked at the guilt you'd feel that you haven't ever done enough to cure them of autism.
3. The tantrums and screams of a child with autism can disrupt the smallest of activities -- even going to the bathroom in quiet or trying to read an e-mail.
2. I never imagined the internal strength I'd need to find to withstand the judgments of others that I'm not just raising a brat.
1. Nobody ever told me how intense the joy is the first time your child looks you in the eye or says "I Love You!"

Autism Awareness in April

2009-03-27T18:18:00.001-07:00

Some cool events to look forward to in April for autism, such as Yoko Ono Lennon unveiling a piece of art that will be auctioned off in pieces for autism research. When a cure for autism is found, the pieces will be put back together. Here's more about Autism Awareness in April.

Autism Love Story

2009-02-27T19:15:00.001-08:00

Check out this cute autism couple when you have time!

Their love story in Glamour Magazine and a video from Good Morning America.

Mercury in Foods

2009-02-04T17:53:00.001-08:00

Who knows the cause of autism, I don't claim to have the answer. But, mercury levels are often associated with autism and at least a delay in brain development. I've often thought there must be some damage from the change in our food, diets. Well, there are two new studies pointing to mercury traces in popular kids snacks. Read about it here and write your representative demanding accountability!

Christmas Bummer!

2008-12-19T10:33:00.001-08:00

Shopping for Dylan and trying to make his Christmas list can really bum me out. When I look at toys appopriate for his age, I realize how far behind he is and get down. Dylan would really just like to ask for toy trains year after year. We are trying to teach him that he's growing up and needs to play with toys and read books for his age level. He sometimes gets it, but more often goes back to his old stuff. I was with Dylan at Target and he picked out this game for his Wii game that uses a mat with the game. When I got home, I realized he couldn't co-ordinate looking at the mat and the TV while doing motions -- entirely above him. So, that spun me into a "poor me" mentality -- will he ever get caught up? Will he ever be ready for toys and games and sports for his age group? The Chicago Tribune wrote about this topic of buying toys for autism kids. They summed it up, it's no fun buying toys that are way too young for your child and realizing how far behind they really are! Bah hum bug!

Cool Autism Moms Feature

2008-12-18T09:35:00.001-08:00

Redbook magazine has a cool feature about 10 moms changing the face of autism.

Arthur's Underwear

2008-12-09T17:54:00.001-08:00

I have to write this one down before I forget... it goes into the chapters of my book called "You really owe me one some day, kid!" One of Dylan's favorite books is 'Arthur's Underwear' where the main character has a dream that he forgets to wear his pants to school. Well, letting him read this has officially come back to bite me in the butt! On Sunday, Dylan was having a really "off" day where he was restless and needed constant movement and could not settle into much of anything at church. So, I was walking the halls with him when I let him go by himself into the boy's bathroom. BIG MISTAKE! He comes running out in just his underwear and dashes down the hall yelling "he forgot his pants!" Two older gentlemen from another congregation come running after him saying "here's your pants!" I wanted to pretend it wasn't my child. The men managed to convince him that they found his pants and he should put them back on. These are the times you can either laugh or cry! This is so how raising a child with autism goes. The day before was Saturday and we were at the park with some kids. He was interacting and playing and being such a typical child. I thought for a moment, "wow, he's come so far!" And enjoyed the short moment of him being barely indistinguishable from the other kids. The next day he was so in his own world and streaking down the halls of church in his underewear! Now some of you may say, that's every boy's dream. But, how many of you have actually seen a boy do that???!?!!!!!

I May Have to Go to Georgia!

2008-10-21T07:38:00.001-07:00

This is my dream high school, one that employs the philosophies of "Floortime" therapy, my very favorite. I may just have to move there for Dylan's high school, or start my own here, we'll see! Check it out in the NY Times article.

Who Else Cries at Presidential Debates?

2008-10-15T19:38:00.001-07:00

No matter what the pundits say about tonight's presidential debates, Sen. McCain brought me to tears with this one statement "I will spend whatever it takes to find the cure for autism." At least he brought it up, then Obama talked about it too. After a day of these thoughts: "What's wrong with my son's stomach" and "Are his reading scores keeping pace?" and "Should I push him harder?" or "Does he need a big break from therapies, vitamins, school?" ... it was somehow comforting to curl up to the TV and hear someone say that they'd fight to stop this awful condition. It must be stopped. I spent time today reading about more potential causes and feeling the guilt: Was it the first vaccine he received as a newborn when I wasn't even in the room? Was it teflon in any pans we used? Was it metals in drinking water? Was it construction dust or other environmental hazards that contributed to this? Who knows! Why don't we know more? It's appaling to me that President Bush, the NIH, CDC and other health organizations have NEVER declared a war on autism. Why not? It impacts more children than childhood obesity or leukemia. Why do the parents have to fight so hard without the support of any health organizations? I'm tired today. I need someone else to fight the fight. I felt like giving grumpy ole McCain a big hug. Thank you for recognizing that this too is a drain on our schools. Thank you for acknowledging that it needs to get better. Thank you for recognizing that parents aren't the only ones responsible for finding a cause. Thank you for acknowledging my pain! There's a child upstairs who thanks you too!

Compensation From God

2008-10-12T06:28:00.000-07:00

Elder Wirthlin, an apostle in our church, said this about his grandson with autism:

"Because Heavenly Father is merciful, a principle of compensation prevails. I have seen this in my own life. My grandson Joseph has autism. It has been heartbreaking for his mother and father to come to grips with the implications of this affliction.

They knew that Joseph would probably never be like other children. They understood what that would mean not only for Joseph but for the family as well. But what a joy he has been to us. Autistic children often have a difficult time showing emotion, but every time I’m with him, Joseph gives me a big hug. While there have been challenges, he has filled our lives with joy.

His parents have encouraged him to participate in sports. When he first started playing baseball, he was in the outfield. But I don’t think he grasped the need to run after loose balls. He thought of a much more efficient way to play the game. When a ball was hit in his direction, Joseph watched it go by and then pulled another baseball out of his pocket and threw that one to the pitcher.

Any reservations that his family may have had in raising Joseph, any sacrifices they have made have been compensated tenfold. Because of this choice spirit, his mother and father have learned much about children with disabilities. They have witnessed firsthand the generosity and compassion of family, neighbors, and friends. They have rejoiced together as Joseph has progressed. They have marveled at his goodness."

Here's his full article: http://www.lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-947-9,00.html

I love how he testifies that when God takes away, he compensates with something else. Although Dylan is not keeping up with his peers, he brings so much joy and warms our heart DAILY. This weekend, he was really struggling to keep up with the soccer came. Eric took him to the goal post and showed him how to be goalie. Although, Eric really was the one blocking the balls, Dylan beamed with pride when his dad bragged about his ability to be goalie. Later in the day, he saw a group of boys climbing a tree and told his dad, "I want to go climb and be a monkey too." When he saw a friend's mom at the park, he asked her "Where's Matthew?" I was shocked that he'd associate the mom with her son as he's never paid much attention to either one of them. Little milestones like these cause Eric and I each night to stay up talking and beaming with whatever progress he does make... we do find joy amidst the heartache as Dylan gives back to our lives so much more than he takes away.

Flying Away!

2008-09-27T13:02:00.001-07:00

Dylan had a dream day at an event called Challenge Air. Pilots donate their time and planes to fly children with special needs. Dylan and Eric got to go in a plane with a pilot for about 45 minutes. As they leave the hangar, the kids all walk the red carpet with cheerleaders cheering them on. Every single time a child walked the red carpet and got the huge ovation, it was an emotional feeling. How amazing the cheering section we all need in life! Dylan got to steer the plane for about 10 minutes! It was the ride of a lifetime to him. As you can see in the photos, he was in heaven!

The Wii!

2008-08-10T16:33:00.002-07:00

Grandpa and Nana got Dylan a Wii video game. He really enjoys playing bowling the best. But, he is learning golf and other sports too. It's been great cause it keeps him involved with other kids when they come over to our house.

Well, the funny thing is listening to Ella be his "coach." She truly has the training of most autism behaviorists. She tells Dylan "do not spin the golfer in circles, play the game!" and "take your turn, don't spin!" She has sat through hundreds of hours of behaviorists, speech therapists and occupational therapists redirect her brother. She knows how to tell him to not spin out into his own world, but stay with the game. I sit back and watch in awe as she directs him like a trained autism specialist! She knows her stuff, at the age of 3, and could already have a career in it!

Autism Kids Are Brats?

2008-07-30T07:08:00.001-07:00

By now, most of you have heard radio show host Michael Savage called kids with autism "brats" who just need more discipline and father figures. Eric's response: come over and babysit and then tell us what you think!

Another mom wrote an editorial that I agree with wholeheartedly, basically saying parents of autism kids WISH it were that simple that they just need more discipline!

Read her full response.

Sandals in July!

2008-07-20T21:03:00.001-07:00

People often ask me about Dylan's occupational therapy. They tend to associate occupational therapy with work-related issues. I'm SUCH a big fan of occupational therapy and what it can do for high-sensory kids. Here's a small example: Dylan has very sensitive feet. I've bought several sandals for summer, including Crocs, in all sizes and colors trying to tempt him into trying them on. Each time, I've failed. He insisted on wearing hot sneakers with thick socks in 100-degree weather! So, I got these sandals last week and thought, surely THIS kid would fall for them if they have a CAR on the side. No such luck. I decided that these were the FINAL shoes I was going to buy this summer. So, I brought the sandals into Dylan's occupational therapist. She had him sit in a big bucket of rice and run his legs and feet through the feel of different things. As he sat there, he read a "social story" which is a picture book explaining things in detail. This social story was about when we wear certain shoes, such as boots in the snow, sandals in the summer, etc. When he got out of the bucket of rice, he put on his sandals and left the sneakers there (or so he thinks)! The next morning, he yelled "I forgot my shoes at OT!" I thought he was going to get upset, but he just put the CARS sandals on and went on with life. WHEW! These are the reasons I am and always will be a big fan of what occupational therapists can achieve!

Yay Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy!

2008-06-05T07:15:00.000-07:00

People often ask what I think about autism and vaccines. Well, put simply: I'm not opposed to vaccines, but changes need to happen. I was pleased to see Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy hold a rally on June 4 in Washington, D.C. called "Green Our Vaccines." Everything they said, I agree with: http://www.cnn.com/video/?/video/showbiz/2008/06/04/bts.carrey.mccarthy.vaccines.cnn

We need change, 36 vaccines is too many too fast too dangerous.

Dylan's Doctor on CBS

2008-05-12T19:46:00.001-07:00

The doctor who has been treating Dylan with intensive vitamins, medicine and diet was featured in this story on CBS local news: http://cbs11tv.com/services/popoff.aspx?categoryId=11&videoId=28172@ktvt.dayport.com&videoPlayStatus=true&videoStoryIds=28172@ktvt.dayport.com&videoTime=1.671&

A Grateful Mom!

2008-05-12T11:12:00.001-07:00

Dylan's schedule is packed in this month of May with finishing up Kindergarten. He's had a graduation ceremony, where he sang to the 5th graders. Here, he sits with Noelle and CJ before the ceremony. Then, we had a picnic at the school for Mother's Day. I got to talk to several of the moms who said such nice things about Dylan. Emma and Noelle's moms both said their children love Dylan and have had such a great experience getting to know him. Emma's mom said, she didn't know what it is about him, but the kids can't stop talking about him.(Maybe cause he's quiet and mysterious!?!) She said he had prepared Emma to understand her cousin better who has special needs. Here, Dylan twists Emma's hair, he loves to do that right now. They were very kind comments and made me happy for Dylan. This could have been a tough year, but he has been lucky to have very loving and supportive friends.

Play Ball!

2008-04-27T15:37:00.001-07:00

Dylan got to play T-Ball on a special needs team sponsored by the Kiwanis Club. Dylan has a great, fast hit and wants to chase the ball more than run to base. His sister got to participate too. It's great for both of my kids to play with other kids who have physical disabilities and struggles, but still play sports.

A Day Off!

2008-04-15T14:31:00.001-07:00

Dylan had a day off school, but his sister did not. So, we had a one-on-one day. I kept asking him what he wanted to do: park, bike ride, gym? He didn't like any of his choices and just kept saying, "I want to stay home." Well, I wanted to get him to play and interact with me, so I watched what he was doing on the computer. He has been fascinated with the Honda car web site. His favorite new car is the Honda Fit. He wants me to trade in my minivan for a red one. So, finally, I said, do you want to go drive the Honda Fit. Suddenly, Dylan's eyes lit up and he was back "with" me. He ran to get his shoes and yelled "Let's GO!" He kept telling me to hurry and get in the car. When I got close to the Cheverolet dealership, he made sure I knew not to turn until Honda. Luckily, at the Honda dealership, they were popping fresh popcorn while Dylan waited (he got the popcorn gene from his Grandpa Staples). And then, he got his wish... a ride with mommy in a red, shiny Honda Fit. A boy's dream day! At least I got his attention!

Inspiring Letter...

2008-04-11T10:49:00.001-07:00

I didn't write this, but I love it and it sums up my feelings:

""My son doesn't have autism, autism has my son.

He is a typical five year old boy full of beauty and intelligence
that is being smothered by a disease state that pulls him from his
potential. A disease state rendered by a path littered with
mistakes. Unintentional ones made by me, uneducated ones made by
doctors, possible intential ones made by those whose job it is to
protect us.

When he was first diagnosed, I thought it was the worst thing that
ever happened to me or him. Monthes of guilt-ridden sleepless nights
with a mind racing about what to do to save him. When considering
what a scary job being a parent could be, I used to say I didn't want
to be a statistic. I don't want to be the one whose child dies
rolling off the changing table. I didn't want to be the one whose
child gets electrocuted because I didn't put the stupid outlet plugs
in. Now I find myself in a battle that seems to be the statistic of
our time.

Where I am at now is that I see what a gift he is. All the guilt and
fear and run run running to get him better, what a waste of energy.
I now see that he was sent to me to teach me. Teach me that none of
us are perfect and we all have challenges to overcome. Teach me that
the greatest gift we can give our children is to love them and accept
them for who they are. He has taught me that it is ok to not be
perfect, to make mistakes. I work on forgiving myself everyday for
the ways I may have contributed to this disease and for not being
always perfect in caring for him. He has saved me in that I am
learning to love myself in my imperfection.

Will I still run run run to get him better? Hell yes. But the
intensity, the fear charged grasping, has abated. In its place is
focus, determination, and tolerence. One of his healers told me "He
is a seed. You maximize his air, water, food, sun, but ultimately,
he will grow as God intended."

Now I say, I want to be a statistic. My son will be a statistic of
recovery.

I send love and blessings out to everyone who loves and fights for
these children. All the best to you and yours."

April 2 Is World Autism Day!

2008-03-31T16:46:00.001-07:00

Hats off to CNN for their extensive coverage of autism this week. You can watch it on TV or catch some of it here: http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2008/news/autism/

So Obsessive!

2008-03-03T06:20:00.001-08:00

Dylan is obsessing over so many things right now. I gotta figure out what is causing it. He is obsessed with watching old videos of Baby Einstein, something he's long outgrown. Yesterday, at church he was so obsessed with this flat tire outside that he could NOT go inside. He spent about an hour in the parking lot. I told his teacher, it probably would have been faster to just change a stranger's tire! He wants the lights on in the playroom, even when he's not playing in there. For all the highs we've had lately, this obsessive behavior is for sure a low. I've gotten some advice from other parents on what may be causing it, so I'll have to do some experiments with his vitamins this week. Wish me luck, I NEED good results!

I love this new video on You Tube, it even shows the place where Dylan goes to occupational therapy!

At Six, He's in the Driver's Seat...

2008-02-21T20:12:00.001-08:00

Dylan is turning six, and we celebrated his birthday with a fun bowling party. If only I had known when he was two or three, all the things he'd be doing now. We still have a long uphill battle on this journey of autism. But, here are a few of the things I could have never imagined him doing in the beginning of this diagnosis:

1. Playing with his toys with an imagination and not just lining them up.
2. Enjoying coloring, without it being a task forced on him.
3. Bowling at his party with two friends he's made at Kindergarten.
4. Sharing his toys, without my forcing him. Today, he willingly gave his sister a turn on one of his new birthday toys.
5. When I told him it was time for his party, he said "Dylan likes chocolate cake!"
6. Making more eye contact.
7. Reading and loving it!
8. Playing catch, back and forth for longer than one throw.
9. Wanting to play with toys for his age, like Legos and rockets.
10. Saying "I Love You!" spontaneously!

Happy Birthday Dylan! You really are at the wheel now of your recovery and I can tell your hard work is paying off for you!

Basketball Hero With Autism, 1 Year Later

2008-02-11T05:31:00.001-08:00

J-Mac, the boy with autism who scored 20 points in 4 mintues in his school's basketball game, now has a book out. I love this kid's story. His mom says she never imagined him going this far. She says in the beginning, you just want one word out of them. You never imagine how far they can go...

So Alive!

2008-02-09T21:31:00.001-08:00

Sometimes there's a dull look to Dylan's face, like nothing in the world phases him. He can so be in his own world and we fight and scream to pull him out.

At other times, like this week, he has his glowing face on and everything seems silly and fun to him. Things seem to flow a little easier for him and he's high on life. I love weeks like this when he's so "alive" and fun to be around.

Like this Saturday morning, Eric and I were trying to sleep in a bit when we heard Dylan trying to figure out how to make his younger sister happy. She was fussy and wanting breakfast. We heard Dylan say, "Do you want some Blue Bell (ice cream) for breakfast?" Awwww, how thoughtful!

He has a favorite computer game that makes him giggle. He even grabbed my camera to take a photo of his "fish" game. (This game explains why I can't blog till midnight!)

These are the things that bring the biggest smile to his face right now: fish game on the computer, Lego cars, crayons and tinker toys. Then, repeat each one of these!

He's so "connected" right now with us and I wish I knew what makes him come out of his shell. Like tonight at dinner, he picked up one of his vitamins and pretended it was an animal from "Wonder Pets." He sang the WHOLE song with his little "animal" vitamin. If only I could keep him in this connected state all the time!

Sour Cream

2008-01-18T22:06:00.001-08:00

She Says:
Tonight at dinner our daughter Ella was singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." And just to tease her, we kept changing the ending. She'd say "life is but a dream" and Eric would tease her by singing it "life is but a scream" and I said "but an ice cream."

All of a sudden Dylan chimed in with "but a sour cream."

Eric and I's jaws hit the floor. WHAT? He can rhyme? And not just on the computer, but our son with autism can rhyme verbally and in context of what the whole family is talking about.

I'm still amazed. Not only did Dylan join in our conversation, but he did it creatively. Life doesn't get much better than this. I'll never look at sour cream the same way!

Hearing Loss

2008-01-12T14:58:00.001-08:00

He Says:

My hearing has been normal for most of my life. No real issues, just standard hearing. Then at age two my son started screaming. This is not a flop-on-the-floor-no-candy at-the-check-out-isle scream. Screams from horror films are also lightweight.

This scream startles people. It provokes the oddest responses. The strangest response is also the most common. People scream back at my son. And they try to copy Dylan's scream.

After a standard hunting trip, my ear started ringing. My ear nose and throat doctor happens to be my sons primary teacher. He knows Dylan's scream.

Here is what has happened. My ear received a repetitive injury that weakend my ear. Then all it took is a couple of shots to knock out my hearing.

Since I don't do anything with tools, or even listen to the radio loudly, there is only one source that could have weakened my hearing: my autistic son's scream. Moral of the story--wear ear protection. And be willing to give up things that you never thought you'd have to give up for your kids.

Bah Hum Bug

2007-12-17T19:00:00.001-08:00

She Says:

The school called today in a panic. Dylan had been happy all day. Then, suddenly had a fever with a temperature of 102 degrees. They rushed him to the nurse and gave him Tylenol.

I have so many emotions... does this mean our treatments are working? He has such a strong resistance to getting fevers, does this mean his immune system is fighting off the virus successfully? Could I be such a twisted mom as to be happy he has a fever?

Or does it mean his body isn't responding and things will just be the same after all the vitamins and treatments we've stuffed down the poor kid?

For now, we'll just have to wait and see.

But, I can't help but wonder, will he be better for Christmas? Will he enjoy it? Can I enjoy it? Why can't December be time off from autism???

"I'm Sick... "

2007-12-13T20:04:00.001-08:00

Today is Day 2 of Dylan on Valtrex and day who-knows-what of cutting out sugar, adding a zillion vitamins in his system, etc. It's going to be a rough road. Many autism moms have told me this is really hard on their bodies to kill off the viruses and toxins.

At school, he told the teacher "I'm sick."

But, he had no fever or outside reason to send him home.

That breaks my heart. I wish I could be doing all this treatment at home and keep him in a bubble. It'd be easier if life could just stop and we could focus on treatment. But, he has school and therapies and lots of other things going on.

I'm finding it harder to not monitor him though. Tonight, I went to a mom's ornament exchange night in my neighborhood. When I got home, I learned Dylan was refusing his treatments and only swallowed half. He usually has to take 3-5 things each morning and night. I hate hearing he only got half. But, I know the poor kid is sick of it. Was it even worth going out? I so badly want results and in some ways it's all I want to think about.

Fa, La, La..

2007-12-12T18:49:00.001-08:00

When Dylan arrived unhappy at school yesterday, his teacher asked him what was wrong. He replied, "I miss my mommy!"

That is pure joy to me! In fact, my best Christmas gift... Fa, La, La!

The fact that he can express his emotions and knows what he wants to say is not something I would have dreamed of two years ago.

Plus, I don't mind being missed.

In fact, I miss Dylan too. So often I'm racing to "fix" him from the world of autism that I rarely get to be in the moment with him. I started this morning chasing him down to start a new pill, Valtrex. He didn't like the taste. We battled it out and both of us won... I got him to swallow it and he got a treat to reward himself. Then, looking at the clock, I realized how late we were running to school. I raced around to beg him to wear clothes and especially a warm jacket. That is often how our mornings go. The few seconds I get to enjoy him are when he crawls into bed with us and snuggles up. (Oddly enough, he is our snuggly child while our daughter wants only chocolate milk and TV... nothing to do with hugs from her parents!)

After school, we usually get a few moments together with a snack. Then, Dylan begins speech therapy, occupational therapy, playing at the park with typical kids, or working with his sports teacher. After any one of those activities, I have to race around the house begging him to take a half a dozen more vitamins. Then, the bedtime routine and a few more moments to snuggle with him and that's it.

All in all, we see each other for such a short period of time when I'm not begging him to do things... swallow something, brush his teeth, answer his sister or mom, etc.

So, yes, Dylan, I miss you too! Love, mom

What If?

2007-12-02T21:32:00.001-08:00

She Says:

We've started down the never-ending road of biomedical treatment for Dylan. We cram vitamins down him twice a day and give him shots two times a week. We've taken sugar away too, as much as we can.

What do we hope for at the end of these treatments? I'm not sure. Do I have faith to hope for full recovery? Not yet. Do I hope for more time interacting with him? Sure! Do I hope for him to have a better quality of life? Sure! But, what is better for him or me? Too many unanswered questions. Right now, just putting one step in front of the other.

What I do know is we got some amazing lab results that answered many pieces to our puzzle of autism. We know some deficiencies for sure and those we will attack with all our might. After I read the results with the doctor, I had this warm feeling come over me that Dylan would have a better life than we now know. It was one of my highest points in this journey.

I do see progress in his speech, there is so much more that is spontaneous out of him now. On Saturday, he was in the shopping cart at Target and said "I miss my daddy." WOW, that's huge to me... not only was he saying a full, complete sentence, but he was expressing his emotion. I loved it. I wanted to yank him out of the cart and throw him around in happiness. But, I've created enough scenes in stores along this autism journey. I thought I'd spare the other shoppers for once.

My husband miraculously got Dylan to swallow pills. This came after I was pouring them into his juice and milk each day for a week. He looked at me one day and said, "Mom, no more sand in my milk!" So, Eric handed him the pill and said, then swallow. He showed greater faith in him than I saw. I often don't believe my son can take the next step in life, but someone else believes for me. Now, when I tell him it's time to take his vitamins, he says "pills please!" No Joke!

He Says:

What if we really do cure Dylan of autism? Will we even know who he is? Will we miss the autistic traits? Will we want to make the funny sounds we've grown to love and he will no longer need them? Will I be able to open the door after work and yell "Dig a Dig a Dee" and he'll be too typical to not yell it back?

Funny Things He Says

2007-11-27T14:38:00.001-08:00

She Says:

Dylan has such a great sense of humor. I think God blessed him with it to get through this whole maze.

1. He has an aide at school that is African American. Today, she asked him for a kiss. And he said, I give you "chocolate kisses!" They are like Ebony/Ivory!

2. Last night, Aunt Nicole stopped by and was laughing about something. He told her "Nicole is too happy!"

3. When his dad gives him B12 shots, he says, "Good job playing doctor!"

4. He also has an African American sports coach who has big red lips. He often asks the coach if he is wearing lip gloss or asks to touch his head. (To the embarrassment of mom!)

5. Lately when his aides at school ask him to start a project or go to another center, he tells them "I'll do it later. Dylan likes to do it later!"

What a nut!

Holiday

2007-11-26T19:45:00.001-08:00

Thankful for Autism?

2007-11-26T19:13:00.001-08:00

She Says:

We just survived another holiday -- it's always with mixed joy that I take a break from Dylan's therapies and allow myself to enjoy him and the season. I say mixed because in some ways I hate to break his routine and the momentum we are making. I know it's always a struggle for him to get back on track and continue the progress. But, I also really enjoy the time being around him more. This Thanksgiving break, he had a week off. I loved hearing him talk more and his voice is getting louder.

First, we had Grandpa Staples' first visit to Dallas. Dylan had just barely gotten out of school for the Thanksgiving week and seemed to want to take a break from talking. He didn't say too much to Grandpa, but was very happy to have him around. It broke my heart because Dylan thought he was getting on the plane to go back with Grandpa to Utah. He loves it there. I really believe he feels very loved there, but also very happy to be away from all his therapies.

Next, came Grandpa Lewis. Dylan talked the most with his wife Vicki. He loved that she'd play computer with him and get into his toys. Dylan would go off on his own, but Vicki would follow. And Dylan really enjoyed that. He wasn't too thrilled about the Thanksgiving meal. He's still such a picky eater and I gave him a rest from working on new foods. (Or should I say, I gave mom a rest?) So, to be honest, he ate Chex Mex and noodles. UGH!

Then, we headed to San Antonio to see Grandma/Grandpa Pascoe. Dylan was soo excited to be driving to their house. The highlight of the trip was that he got to sleep in their walk-in closet on an air mattress. This is what he most talks about. I don't know what it was, but by this point in the week, Dylan decided he liked talking again. He talked a lot, and loudly, to Grandma. This made me happy. Mom said she could see a huge spike in his language since October. Yay! I don't know if it's the vitamins we are stuffing down him or his own desire, but it made my Thanksgiving more thankful!

Grandma took us to the Science Museum. Dylan was acting horribly there. He was running around, escaping and screaming often. I couldn't figure out why he was acting so erratically. We were in a dinosaur exhibit and the model animals were roaring loudly enough to vibrate the room. After getting mad at him a few times, I held him on my lap and tried to calm him. He finally said, "IT HURTS!" My heart broke, I realized I was forcing him to enjoy something that was upsetting his whole body. The auditory system in him causes him to lose control of himself. In some ways, I was thrilled he had the ability to tell me what was bothering him. In other ways, I felt badly that he couldn't enjoy things like other kids.

On the way to San Antonio, Eric was drilling me on what happened at the Alamo. I really still have no clue, except that they all died. Well, we went to visit the Alamo... with an autistic child in tow. So, I still have no idea what happened at the Alamo. We walked in and the echo inside must have been too much. A tour guide was talking to a large group of people when Dylan let out one of his hurtling screams. Every single person, including the speaker, stopped and turned to look at us. I was out of there. Eric and the family soaked in history and I paced the irrigation canal with Dylan watching the fish go in and out of their tunnels. Grandma tried to rescue me, but by that point I was resigned to watching fish and that nothing could be as interesting as watching my child could see in the water. Why does he love water so much?

Dylan is a bit obsessive right now about having sunny days. He is not at all enthused about the holidays or Christmas as he knows that means colder weather. His main concern, I believe, is whether or not he can go swimming. If Eric and I end up living in the Bahamas, it's because we got sick of hearing his nagging about warm, sunny days. Dylan lately will scream or have a tantrum if he wakes up to a rainy day. I've never wished so hard I had a direct line to God about the weather. So, tonight, we were asking Dylan what he wanted from Santa and he said "a pool." Boy, we may have to find a new Santa! One who controls the weather too!

He Says:

Dylan has a hard time with change. For example, tonight he had to have the fan on in his playroom, before he would go to bed. Holidays must be difficult for the little guy, because of all the change.

On the other side, his family was amazed at his reading ability. Just by being around his family, he learned. For months we have been trying to get him to "pump" his swing. His Grandfather figured out how to teach him in a visit.

After four years of having Tinker Toys, he has finally learned how to play Tinker Toys. Now instead of stacking wheels up, he actually builds. Thanks to one trip to his Grandmothers.

He even hugged my stepmom.

I might not be able to teach him any games, or how to treat people socially, but these parents with all of their experience were able to teach him.

Dylan is able to type. Here is what he wrote:

home numb
dogjayapplesacorncstawberryssbroccolibbananalemon (category: fruits)

She Says:

I can't let him have the last word!

He makes a great point: everything in Dylan's life has to be shown to him. Very little is intuitive. It's so beautiful for us to see our parents show him things.

One more thing to be thankful for!

Windows of Hope

2007-10-31T19:27:00.000-07:00

She Says:

There are moments in raising a child with autism that you see a glimpse of normalcy, that you feel a part of the "other" parents and that you enjoy a typical child moment.

Last Friday was one of those for me.

My son had a Kindergarten Fairy Tale Ball. I was dreading it. Even a typical boy doesn't find dressing up as a Prince very enjoyable. It's not really their dream like a girl dreams of being a Princess. I had chased him around the house a few times begging him to try his Prince cape or crown on to no avail.

Earlier in the week, his teacher had called to say "How badly do you want Dylan to participate in the Ball? He's not too interested in the practices." It's one of those constant dilemmas you face in raising an autistic child: do you force them to fit in or allow them a break? I of course opted for the first choice and replied "If he's acting up in practice, then he shouldn't be allowed out of it."

Thank goodness I was right. I could have been dreadfully wrong. Often I am.

On Friday, Dylan walked into the Fairy Tale Ball in full costume. He was all smiles to see his mom and sister at school and put on an amazing performance. He sang with the other Kindergartners and danced with them. He gave hugs to fellow classmates and even held hands with the girl dressed up as Scarlett O'Hara.

Scarlett O'Hara's (aka Noelle)'s mom e-mailed me a thank you... she thanked Dylan for being such a good friend to Noelle. I never dreamed my son would get a compliment like that. I felt like jumping up and down too. Noelle and her mom made us all feel normal... for a moment.

The Highs

2007-10-28T18:53:00.000-07:00

Every now and again, in the race to "fix" your child with autism, you get a breath of fresh air. Your child does something you've worked on for years all on their own. They initiate a conversation. Or answer your question without prompting. Or they just plain mix in with typical kids. A typical weekend, I guess that's what we had.

Dylan's Kindergarten had a Fairy Tale Ball this week instead of kids dressing up for Halloween. On Monday, I get a call from his teachers complaining "Dylan really doesn't participate in the song practices on stage, he runs in circles during the

Friday night our church had a Trunk or Treat. At first, I thought, a huge crowd of people mixed with an autism child equals royal nightmare. But, like anything, I pressed on to the activity. We pulled

Church

2007-10-21T20:42:00.001-07:00

He said:

Church and autism; hot oil and cold water.

Try to convince an autistic child to put on Old Navy underwear instead of the favorite Blue Fruit of the Looms. Try to put the rest of their clothes on. Feed them, and try stuff vitamins in them.

Then tell him that he is getting ready for Church.

Watch the clothes come off, the breakfast get thrown, and your eardrums fall out and die ten feet from you.

If there was ever a time to put a camel through the eye of the needle, it is 45 minutes before church.

Saturday Chaos and Rule Breakers

2007-10-14T14:10:00.001-07:00

She says:

Saturdays can be so confusing for an autism child. Each one is different and no two are alike. Parents are usually rushing to do chores or play and don't want to be on a schedule or a routine. This particular Saturday, I insisted we go as a family to a pumpkin patch.

This is where the rule breaking part comes in.

My son with autism had shown no enthusiasm at the pumpkin patch. He wasn't responding to us in any way. He seemed like he'd rather take a nap than look at animals or pumpkins. We'd ask him to smile for photos and it all seemed like a huge effort on his part. Nothing was sparking his interest. He was unresponsive in every way today.

That is, nothing, until he spilled his water bottle on a goat and the animal jerked away and stuck his neck back out. Dylan continued to pour water on the goats and they'd jerk away and he'd crack up laughing. My sister asked, are you sure this is behavior you want to encourage? I wasn't sure, but it was the first time that he had responded to anything all day. So, I had to continue watching. A few other boys near the goats started to laugh with him. Soon, all three boys shared water bottles and threw squirts at the goats. It was our first sign all day of human involvement and we were thrilled.

Another mom was not so thrilled, she stormed over and yelled at my son, "that makes me very sad when you hurt the goats!" I wanted to yell back, do you not see how alive my son? He has a glow in his eyes and is laughing with other kids! But, I knew she wouldn't get it.

You see, autism moms, are a rare breed. We celebrate when they lie -- that means they understand language in a complex way. We cheer when they fight with other kids or siblings -- that means they are interacting and sticking with the kids. We let them jump all over the couches and beds -- it's a cheap form of OT therapy and usually keeps them involved with other kids. We'll do anything to keep their attention, bring them out of the cloud or fuzz they live under. We have a strange set of rules to live by.

Tolerance in Texas

2007-10-13T20:01:00.001-07:00

Today we tried to squeeze every moment in with the kids.

Waking up at 5:30, we ran those kids until bedtime. It was a basic Saturday: shopping, move more stuff to my sister in law's apartment, and go to see farm animals. We do this nearly every Saturday. It more or less makes my son look normal during the week.

In addition to working with an autistic son, I made the mistake of buying a home with a lawn. This means that any free time must be spent away from my family, work, and the blog, at Home Depot.

So, my son and I went to Home Depot. The part my autistic son cannot take is being in line--any line. He gets so anxious he shakes, screams in an ear piercing high pitched voice, and goes limp on the floor. And a line is the only way to get out of Home Depot.

Standing next to me, was a woman who looked tolerant. Her hair was cut short. It was colored white, yellow, and what once must have been puce. I think there were some dark roots, but I really can't be sure. Her shirt color kind-of sucked all the light from her pale-snow like skin, but somehow made her florescent yellow skirt and high heeled black boots stand out.

To me, this look screams tolerance. In nature, when an animal has these colors, it means "avoid".

Before introducing herself, she told me how her kids were almost worse than mine. I let her know that my son is autistic, that he hates lines, and I thanked her for not minding the outburst. Then comes the line that I have heard so many times.

"You know what I think it is..." she began.

And before I could say "No thanks, I can do with out that knowledge." I get to hear this line, once again.

"It is in the mercury in the immunization shots." We all have lines that we hate. That one is mine.

I don't know why my son is autistic. I don't care if it is mercury, or the inability of his immune system to fight off allergies. The likely cause: that is the way he is. That is the way A LOT of kids are these days. I love him and my daughter--who is not autistic--exactly the same.

If there is a miracle cure, I'll take it. I will take anything that won't harm my child. The last place I expect to find an answer to why my child is autistic is in a shopping line.

Still, I appreciated her ability to not give me that "why can't you control your kid" look.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

2007-10-07T19:37:00.001-07:00

Mom Says:
Moms and dads see parenting so different with a typical child. Take an autism child and expect two parents to agree and you get a divorce rate of at least 50 percent. Our marriage is still intact. But, each day we experience our autistic child in two separate worlds -- male and female. This blog seeks to show the "he said, she said" of raising an autism child. We don't seek to show a perfect example, but a real one -- ours.

If there's one lesson we've learned -- and never graduate from -- it is to not blame each other. Blame autism, blame the environment, but don't blame each other. Yet, it's so tempting.

Tonight, our family was peacefully reading bedtime stories... both parents were there, a rare thing in itself, and two kids were listening. Our oldest child with autism was sharing a book with his younger sister and it was a rare moment of family bliss.

Mom thought she had a great idea, to cut the autism child's nails before calling it a night. With that thought, I wish I could rewind the clock. Our autism child, Dylan, has such high sensory issues that things like washing his hair or cutting his nails are still a major ordeal. I say still because we have been through 5 years of his life and 3 years of intense therapies to work out things. On most days, I think it's gotten 100 percent better. Tonight, I wondered if we'd gotten anywhere.

While my husband and I both held him down to cut his fingernails, he squirmed and screamed loudly. We are used to this and in our ideal world, he just gets used to it one day and gives in. Not yet. And now we are further from it. My husband took a cut and Dylan moved too quickly and suddenly blood was spurting everywhere. We all ran to the bathroom. He screamed and squirmed even more than ever and blood was splattering all over the bathroom. He was covered in blood and both of his parents were too. Within moments the whole family had blood everywhere. It's a wonder that a small cut can produce so much blood. It looked like a horror show had hit our house.

With Dylan's limited language, we tried our best during his hysterics to explain what an accident is and how sorry we felt. All he could do is sing some memorized songs that bring him an ounce of comfort. But, then he'd see the blood and get upset and squirm out of our arms and there flew more blood. All I could see in his eyes was "how could you do this to me?" The few things he did say cut me to the bone, I felt like it was my blood. "Mom, Mom" he screamed, as if begging me to take it all away. He has so few words and yet these brought me joy and pain. The joy was that he still needed me. My pain was that he didn't have more he could say to express his pain.

My 3-year-old daughter ran in the bathroom with band-aids telling him that she could make it all better. It's one of the many screaming ordeals she's observed in her short life. Only this one was different: there was blood spattered everywhere. What a beautiful thing that she tried to help. What a sad thing that there wasn't anything I could do to make it go away for her. Mommy guilt rages, we can't take autism out of the typical kids' world either.

The blood stopped in what was probably only 10 minutes, but felt like 10 hours. I held him in his bed till he fell asleep and looked at the blood splattered all over my clothes. As I lay there, a flood of emotions came over me, why did God think I could mother an autism child? Why do such simple things such as cutting fingernails turn into such major ordeals for Dylan? Why can't I make it all go away? Why? Why? Why? The mommy in me wishes it could all make sense and I could create a world that makes sense for me and my autism son.

Dad Says:

When my wife says nail cutting time, I think of all the nasty things done to me over the years. Of all the bullies, the nasty teachers, and bad bosses, cutting an autistic child's nails beats them all.

On the best day, cutting my kids nails is one of those chores that you never finish. You know, like an assignment from the Hades foreman, after a really nasty life. But it's not. It's the day to day. And the really horrible thing is, it must be worse for him.

Here is the play-by-play. The second my kid sees those shiny nail clippers, he tenses up. Then he comes out swinging. It wouldn't be so bad, but he has these comic-book strength nails. With dirt caked under them. From experience I know that anything this kid scratches is going to be infected. Like my face.

So I get my wife to hold him down. Half-heartily, she gives a hug to the now screaming child.

"NO NAILS!" He yells, as he flips around in my wife's loose arms. Then, out comes the business. My wife pulls out these monster clippers, for toe nails and talons and such. These are the only two things I have to cut his nails.

I have to push his arm against the bed, then move his fingers out. This is the only way I can get his now-wet-with-perspiration hand flat. It is the only way I know how to cut his nails. It takes all of my hand strength to hold and cut. My son uses his other hand, and his feet, to keep me from bringing the nail clippers closer to his nails.

The first nail goes well. After a kick to my face, so does the second. The third nail, well, that's where the pleading to "hold him down" reached deaf ears. His sweat soaked hands slipped and I couldn't hold him.

"Clip." Went the clippers into soft flesh.

There was a brief second of silence. It was broken by the phrase, "I'm trying to hold him." Then screaming. And blood.

Bandaging an autistic child is really difficult. He kept trying to keep his hands clean by waving them back and forth. Even though it was a little cut, there were droplets all over the white bathroom floor. My three year old calmly brought us the bandages.

After about an hour trying to hold him still, for a very minor cut, we were able to bandage him. Then he kept trying to tear the bandage off. I looked at my wife. Her white shirt was ruined. She had blood on her face.

"You put her to bed, and I will stay with him." She said.

My daughter wasn't affected by any of this. She did cry, but it was for her kitty cat. She can't sleep without it.

'At least one person is normal' I thought.

After he went to sleep, the blood was cleaned up off of us and the bathroom, my daughter was crying. She had thrown up. I assume it was stress.

All this came from cutting fingernails.