One Mom's Surprises

I posed the question to a group of moms about what their biggest surprises were in raising a child with autism. This one mom's response was very moving:

I'm surprised at how confused I feel at times...

I'm surprised at how unafraid I am...

I'm surprised by the fear that comes on unexpectedly, or how an article I read can dig a hole so deep within me that it wakes me in the middle of the night... that it hangs over me like a night in a smoke filled bar ...

I'm surprised by how strong I am...

I'm surprised at how much I adore what I thought once would be my worst nightmare --- that being my son with autism.

I'm surprised that I'm open to learning, and trying, as I'm a one way kind of girl... don't like change, find my sweet spot and keep going...I'm surprised that my son's "sweet spot" continues to change --- I'm surprised that fact surprises me...

I'm amazed at how faithful God is in my life --- and how much my family has grown because of my son ---

I'm surprised at the love I feel for my mother-in-law when I watch how much she loves our son with autism... I'm surprised at how much she respects me after 21 years, that it took this...this something awful and unexpected as well as beautiful to enable her to feel kindness and fondness for me, that after years of wondering why a girl like me with the wonderful friends I have, could have a mother-in-law that just didn't get her --- to this, and now she does...

I'm surprised that my first born NT daughter...the girl who hung the moon who got all of me, all of me, the one I nurtured for 3 1/2 yrs before autism, is so OK with her brother with autism, and with me spending time with him... she is growing every day in her depth of love for her brother and for those around her like him...

I'm surprised at how outspoken I am, and how much I fight for my son... I've always been a people pleaser, to a certain extent --- on the outside not at all but deep down, very much so...

I'm surprised at how much I love him, how much hope I have for him, how much he makes me laugh, how angry I can become with hours of screaming, and yet my love never grows weary, and if it does, I'm renewed again in the morning...

I'm amazed at how much less private I am --

At how much I need people --

At how much I need mom's that in other circumstances I may or may not choose as friends --- and that we can even enjoy one another even though we are so different, or so alike -- just because we have one thread in common...that being Autism

I'm surprised, I answered this question --- but then again...I'm less afraid, less private and lots of other "lesses" and mores...